I’ve been thinking about moving to France for 11 years. I’ve spent 3+ months a year in France since 2018 and have been fortunate enough to build a gorgeous, loving, inspiring community during that time. Why haven’t I moved is a question that haunts me, and my friends in every country are starting to get very annoyed by it.
There are logistical obstacles, naturally. There are hypothetical career obstacles that my anxious mind reads as fact, and my confident mind reads as child’s play. There are political motivators, let alone the artistic and lifestyle ones. There are pro lists and con lists and opinions and advice and lawyers and dreams and nightmares. Rather than letting myself [continue to] soak in the whirlpool of that jacuzzi, I’ve tried recently to see the forest through the trees— it led me to consider the umbrella of commitment issues.
I’ve been incredibly fortunate in my life romantically. I’ve almost never dealt with a lover who has commitment issues, but have of course been along side friends who try to navigate that ever common ailment to a connection. I also have a lot of friends who admit their own commitment issues, a fruitful insight that has given me empathy and understanding, and has led me to reflect on my own.
Let’s call Paris a lover. Let’s say this lover and I have been entangled for quite some time now. She is exciting, independent, beautiful. My god is she beautiful. She inspires me to be better, she has amazing family and friends that have welcomed me with open arms. We have a great thing going. I’ve learned how to communicate with her and she is consistently herself.
Paris, being herself, outside of Rock Bottles in the 18eme | Portra 400, July 2024
There are things, like with any lover, that will require adaptation and compromise on my part… but there are things to figure out in any relationship. To deny true romance is irresponsible, isn’t it? At what point to do you commit to a good thing? Is it that I think there is something better out there for me?
If we stretch the puddy of this metaphor, Los Angeles is the long term relationship that I keep trying to save, even though I’ve fallen in love elsewhere. I have a loyalty to my dreams that Los Angeles promised me when we started dating. It’s hard to leave any long term relationship. It’s hard to accept that this relationship may not bear the fruit that I believed it could.
Los Angeles bearing no fruit in Los Feliz | December 2019
I have many brilliant friends who have lots of insight on the subject— but my dearest Kevin shot me straight recently. “Nika — you want to make European films. You’re running a race on the wrong track, and the incredibly fickle finish line isn’t even where you want to end up.”
I’m under no illusion that the French film industry is going to welcome me with open arms. But, I do not want to make the movies that the American market is financing. I do want to make the movies that the European market is financing. To date someone who tells you from the beginning that they don’t want the same things long term… that’s where the math is undeniable.
A serious hesitation in leaving my long term relationship, despite the chemistry I have with Paris, is that networking is a real currency in the film industry. When I’m anxious, I see the move as throwing away ten years and starting again from zero. When I’m less anxious, I know that isn’t entirely true, but it is a relevant consideration.
Then we get to gambling.
I’ve been working on an essay for three months about gambling. I may still post it, but it has felt insurmountable because it is hard to keep it focused. The subject matter surrounds the concept of gambling and I try to dial it in to having a career in the arts, all while speaking about my almost clinical aversion to actual gambling. I try to reconcile my phobia of gambling with the notion that my entire life path has been and is a gamble in and of itself. I don’t have an answer, hence it living safely in my drafts.
To tie this in to commitment issues — if I could casually move to France and change my mind, a la being in a non-monogamous relationship, I would have done that years ago. In a way, I have— spending months at a time there, building a community, directing multiple films and commercials in Europe, and lord knows that suits me. But eventually, it’s a shit or get off the pot situation. Is that a gamble or is it faith?
Don’t answer that, I’m not looking for advice.
Lovers bombing down the hill with abandon | Kodak 200 Gold, July 2024
At some point… when you have a friend who is afraid of commitment, it becomes frustrating. Just DO IT and if you don’t like it, leave! Relationships and cities have that in common— they are places you can come to, find out if you can give each other what you need, and then leave if you find you are ultimately incompatible. The beautiful thing about being alive in this day and age is how free we are. Nothing is permanent, so what is there to be afraid of?
The way I make decisions is: nothing is permanent, so what’s the worst that could happen? I’d just move back to where I was before I left. The “worst” case scenario is your present scenario which isn’t so bad actually. it’s a nice fallback option when you reframe it that way. And least I tried something different— regardless of how it turns out :)